A Nice Pair - Er

 

A paring knife doesn’t fulfil many tasks in my kitchen, the reason being, to be useful knives should be so sharp, that if you merely touch the edge, you’re nicked. A paring knife, as the name suggests is used to peel or take small slices off, say apples. This is done by holding the knife in the crook of your fingers with your thumb against the apple and bringing the knife onto your thumb. This is immediately followed by kitchen paper being applied with firm pressure to the ball of the thumb whilst being driven to hospital for stitches. I eat apples with my teeth, I peel veg with a peeler, the rule of “thumb” is you never cut towards your hand (except 2-3 cuts on half an onion to begin the dicing operation, but that’s another story)

The only task I use a parer for is scraping new potatoes, something that seems to have gone out of fashion. So many times they are served unpeeled, I find that gross, I can eat them, but that’s because I’ll eat anything, I’m such a pig. However, potato peel goes into the pig swill, it merely means the chef is lazy. If you have the correct parer and a good technique new potatoes can be scraped lickety spit. Exactly what constitutes a good parer? Below are two, top one is years old, a Boots Sabatier el Cheapo Nasty, not forged, and it’s been so long since the Sabatier family made very good knives that there is no trademark, anyone can call their knives Sabatier, Boots don’t even make knives.

 

 

The degree of sharpness of knives is of prime importance not just in the butchers or fishmongers, but in the kitchen too. Blunt knives cause accidents, too much force applied and the veggie moves and whoops; it’s a finger end in the stew. Someone said a knife is sharp enough if it can slice through a soft tomato without squashing it. The true test is to lay the knife on the tomato and holding the handle with thumb and one finger gently draw the knife back, if it slices the tomato, the knife is sharp enough.

The bottom knife is an Analon, high quality, fully forged high carbon, tempered and ice hardened, easy grip, Costa Lotto Mucho. A very good knife, but for what, the blade is too long for a parer, the blade is curved, why?  The point is too high; to get that point into a potato eye it has turn through 90 degrees. The Analon knife is a very good knife for opening packaging, not much else! One day, with the Boots knife I foolishly tried to prize something or other, knives ain’t tyre levers, and the point broke off. I searched high and low for a similar blade, but they were all as per the Analon. So, out came the angle grinder and I dressed a new point, actually improving the knife by shortening the blade. Many manufactures of high quality knives clearly lack a designer who actually knows how to use the damn things.

 

Correct grip for scraping taters, held in the crook of the index finger, flat of the blade towards the thumb, the first bit of the blade has to be blunted, the rest very sharp. With the left hand twirling the tater, the right hand flapping like a baby wave bye bye without opening the fingers, and the right thumb on the bottom of the tater, any stubborn eye or blemish is dealt with by a slight movement of the blade to the right to bring the point into play. New potatoes really are a lot better scraped, is there really an excuse not to!!!

 

 

Get A Grip Lad

 

                                                                                                                                                                   
This is the grip that along with superior intelligence, separated us from our less able though bigger and stronger earlier cousins. This grip enabled us through fine dexterity to make superior tools and weapons and get ahead. Through our history this grip could hold a pen, a paint brush, write Shakespeare paint the Mona Lisa and now twiddles the knobs that make the world run, this grip took us to the moon.

Every sport has it's particular grip for it's particular bit of apparatus, golf club, fly rod and so on. What about a 23cm cooks knife?

Recognise the grip, it's not immediately obvious to a novice and has to be demonstrated by a professional, like a golf grip. But this grip gives immediate control and allows the knife to feel like an extension of your arm and hand. NOT for Chopping, use a cleaver, a knife slices.

This is the grip for the article to be cut, the knife works butted up to the knuckles, as the blade slices, the fingers "crawl" back along the food, perfect control with blade and never cutting toward your hand.

Go nuts why dontcha

                                               

 

Nuts, I love them, so should you, unless of course you go into anaphylactic shock and die? Nuts are regarded as a luxury and charged VAT, unless they are raw, I’m sensitive to this since I shop in Costco, which is nominally wholesale, prices are displayed ex VAT in big characters and VAT inc in small. So I buy raw nuts, but raw nuts are bland. I add butter to the wok, throw in my mixed raw nuts and a good grinding of sea salt, fry until they are smelling delicious and turning colour. These are an anytime snack, feeling peckish, grab a handful. Apparently they are good nutritionally because they contain trace elements like selenium ‘n stuff that’s hard to get elsewhere. I don’t give a shit about that I just like ‘em. People say “Oh, too many calories” “Too much fat” I’ve never heard of anybody getting too fat to wipe, on nuts, DONUTS! Yes. Nuts don’t make you fat. There will soon be a good selection of raw shelled nuts in the supermarket, let’s get Wokking.

 

Is it Chilli? Or is it Me?

 

Chilli con Carne, still a favourite for me, in English, chilli with meat, so is it Spanish? Or is it Tex/Mex? In my house it’s an English dish! Chillies, tomatoes and for my dish, chocolate, are all South American. Something like 3 thousand years of Mayan history involved in chocolate and chillies, chocolate was only ever made into a drink, and was flavoured in various ways but mainly with chillies. The conquistadors brought chocolate, chillies, peppers and tomatoes back to Spain. Most prized was chocolate, worth its own weight in gold and was kept secret in Europe for 200 years. Confusingly the beans were called cacao, the rest of the world still calls it this. We English misheard or misspelt this and called it cocoa. There is a record of an English privateer (pirate ship really) hauling in a Spanish Galleon, killing all the crew for the gold, but all the holds were full of black beans, mystified they could only imagine it was worthless ballast and scuttled the ship! Chocolate as we know it didn’t actually appear till the late 19th century, and rose to fashion in the early 20^th

Chillies, the bad boys of the fresh produce and spice rack, they should be given an ASBO. I wouldn’t mess with the real thing, I would lose. I stick to mild chilli powder, and use it carefully, I know some like it hot, but if I wanted my head blown off, I would suck on a 12 bore, it would be a lot less painful.  Chillies cause pain, because the molecules of the active ingredient are the chemical equivalent of barbed arrow heads, they enter the taste buds and stay, causing irritation, water or lager only causes more irritation, fat will soothe it. After a while they dissolve.

So, why would I consider my chilli to be English, some years ago I was making some while drinking lager and I thought a can or two in the pot would improve the flavour, and it did. I’ve tried various beers and the very best for this is Black Sheep, second best is Old Peculiar. It doesn’t get more English than good Masham Ale lad.

 My Chilli con Carne

In a large pot fry off 6 diced onion, in small batches fry off in a sauté pan 3 kg of mince beef, add 2 dsps of plain flour and stir pot, drain 6 cans of red kidney beans and add to pot, add 2 bottles of Black Sheep or Old Peculiar, add a whole tube of tomato puree, add 4 cans of chopped tomatoes, add a head of garlic skinned and crushed with salt, add 2 by 100g bars of chocolate 72% or more cocoa solids, Chilli is up to you, but I use half a pot of Swartz mild chilli powder, bang in the oven for at least3 hours.

 

There you go, 16 portions for the freezer, two in the small pan for today, served with saffron basmati rice and home done garlic bread, and it was good.

A Pan for All Seasons

 

Without apology to Robert Bolt for a silly pun on his "Man for all seasons", pans eh’, you’ve got to have ‘em. When I had to fend for myself in marital discord, I found that the pans had been wanted on voyage by my travelling ex-wife. My venture into the culinary arts required some equipment; I bought Le Creuset, a full set, including a large and small casserole and a marmetout. While everyone else says they are good, I found the actual pans to be an awkward shape, squat and all too small. I laboured with them for getting on for 20 years cos they was a lot ‘o dosh. Recently I replaced them with a traditional shaped pan after the style of the old copper pans, except these are stainless steel with a copper bottom, not even too expensive. In town there’s a posh cook shop that sells French pans, solid copper, tinned inside with black wrought iron handles. Bloody marvellous, thought I, my food heroine Julia Child recommends these, one 2 litre pan £400, the full set would require a mortgage!

30 years ago, I bought my first wife a sauté pan, 29cm diameter very heavy with a thick base and a domed lid, it is a Fissler, a German Company still in existence, a similar pan without a lid now costs £100, and I paid at the time about £50. It was a present, but she thought it extravagant, and to boot she didn’t like it because foods sticks. Naturally that item was not wanted on voyage. That pan is my greatest asset (in the kitchen! I wasn’t forgetting my natural good looks), yes when you throw in a steak it sticks, but after the second turn it sticks no more. The main advantage of such a pan is all the meat juices during frying stick in the pan and coats the base. Lift out the meat onto a warm plate, splash in wine and deglaze and reduce and you have a jus, add cream you have a sauce. Such a basic manoeuvre, but how can this be done with a non-stick pan? I have non-stick pans yes, but they fry eggs. The large sauté pan with a lid is so versatile, pan fry a whole fish, steaks etc., a risotto, any number of one off meals that can be braised on the stove top. (Braise = sautéed, then gently stewed in liquid) Most definitely “A Pan for All Seasons”

I mentioned non-stick pans, any starting out wannabe cook probably wouldn’t understand how life could exist on the planet without Teflon. I was about 15 yrs. old when this came on the market, and it was as soft as butter, I reckon that, with all the pans I’ve seen come and go I must have eaten quite a lot of Teflon. Assuming one doesn’t digest Teflon, then, since it’s non-stick I assume it merely passes through with alacrity. My mam had a couple of frying pans, black as the ace of spades, I’m guessing they were bright when new, I suppose they were probably wrought iron, and probably only cost a shilling from Woollies. These had to be conditioned, then, never washed, and they were non-stick, why did NASA bother to invent Teflon for re-entry tiles, they could have just stuck my mams frying pan onto the re-entry module.

Not Italian

Not  Italian? Do We Look Like We Care?

Bolognese sauce not Italian, it’s an English interpretation so what! Where would we be without it, it’s our dish and we should celebrate it, and be proud. I’ll bet the Italians wish it was theirs, but it’s not, so hands off. They have a dish in Bologna that they say is the inspiration, I’ve looked at the recipe and I think it would turn out bland, also I’ve seen them dish it up in Bologna on TV, a wee dollop of spaghetti and a little spoonful of ragout on top, no cheese!!! The diner has mix it up! This is unusual just about every other pasta dish is tossed in sauce. Bolognese is a main meal, you poor old Latinos, loadsa pasta, loadsa sauce, loadsa fresh grated parmiggiano, a glass of red wine and fresh baked ciabatta to mop up the sauce. Somebody should show these Eye Ties how to eat LOL

Bolognese Sauce

In a big pot, fry off, in olive oil, 6 diced onions, in a sauté pan fry off in small batches, 3kg of minced beef, adding them to the big pot. Take a head of garlic, skin and crush the cloves with salt to a paste and add to pot. Stir in a level dsp of plain flour. Deglaze the sauté pan, with a splash of good red wine, I use a Barolo around the £10 mark; add the deglassage and the rest of the red wine to the pot. Then add a goodly amount of dried Italian herb, don’t be afraid, I’ve never used too much LOL, Now add a whole tube of tomato purée, and about 6 cans of chopped tomatoes, I say about, cos I’m never sure, it’s about getting the consistency right, it need to be fairly stiff, too stiff there’s always tomato juice. At this point, use your black pepper grinder till you get wanker’s cramp. It needs bacon, I’ve tried Italian bacon and speck which is similar and it’s good but not that obtainable and expensive. English smoked bacon is chemically cured and full of watery crap, I buy it in catering packs, so I peel off a pile of rashers about 2” thick, slice into strips, place in a big pan of hot water, get my mitts in to separate the strips then bring to the boil, dump into a colander and wash under the tap. Worthy of note is all bacon should be blanched prior to cooking, I eat bacon every day and that would be pain in the arse, fortunately If you use a George Formby Grill (a bit like a George Foreman Grill but it sings “When I’m Cleanin Winders” while it cooks) put the bacon on while the grill is cold and it sheds its own weight in watery crap before it actually starts to cook. So the bacon goes in the pot, plus a big box of sliced open cap mushroom. Bang in the oven at least 3 hours, bish bosh. Probably about 16 portions to freeze

A Winter Warmer

I’ve been cooking on a daily basis for 20 years or so, like a lot of men, when I first had to fend for myself, I ate out a lot. I ate a lot of takeaways and ready meals, but you can only live on crap for so long before you yearn for proper food. In the beginning I relied upon recipes, as you do. The problem here is, the people who write cook books don’t use recipes, and rarely cook anything in small quantities, let alone weigh or measure stuff, therefore the recipes are guesstimates, and do they actually test each one?

Recipes are for people who don’t know how to cook, experience gives you the confidence to proportion stuff and cook by eye and taste and texture. So, here’s a dish we like.

Sausage Casserole

Cook off 36 good sausages (life’s too short for poor sausages) a good variety of your choice; I do ‘em in the oven.

Using  a ratio of sausage to chorizo of about 5/1 slice and fry off chorizo dulce, use picante if you like your head blown off. Chorizo oozes red fat, this is colour and flavour, don’t throw, put the fried chorizo to one side and pour the fat into a large pot. Into the large pot goes a diced medium swede, a couple of fat diced parsnips, a bunch of diced carrots and a large diced onion. Fry off and stir in a dsp of plain flour, then add 4 cans off chopped tomato, then add 2 litres of tomato juice, add the chorizo then throw the pot in the oven for 2-3 hrs. till the veg is soft. The cooked sausages are then added, allow to cool and portion up, at 3 sausages a portion 12 portions to freeze. We like this one with a jacket potato and a bit of green veg.